Letters to Jia

How to Move a Mountain

2012-01-06T21:43:00.000-08:00

I finished 2011 at 239 pounds. I fluctuated a lot last year, but at one point had lost 17 pounds bringing me down to 233, my lowest weight in over five years. I'm starting 2012 at 239 pounds and ready to keep going. I spent the last week with Motherly who mentioned that she noticed a difference in my weight loss. I told her it was only eleven pounds at this stage and she then told me that she could tell that I'd lost weight and that she knew I could keep doing this.

It's amazing to have the support of family like that. It's not always been available to me in that kind of way.

But it has been available to me in the form of friends.

I met Charlie during a brief blogging weight loss competition. Do you ever meet someone and think, "Oh, there's that missing piece of my soul"? Because I have many people in my life that I feel this way about, and Charlie is a piece that fits in perfectly (even though her piece keeps getting smaller *wink* ).

This last year Charlie reached her goal of 100 pounds lost, and I cried when I heard the news. See, Charlie used to be my size and weight. Not just my size and weight, but very nearly my exact measurements, give or take a few half inches here and there. So when I see her at her present, healthy, gorgeous weight . . . I can only try and close my eyes to see the future for myself. It's a long road, and there will be bumps. And it's very likely that I'll bitch about it a LOT! But I know that Charlie did this, and so I can too.

On the plane ride back from Colorado, I put on my headphones and decided to listen to one of my Cherie Call CDs. A familiar song came on and I sang silently in my head while the plane made it's way over the mountains. Suddenly though the lyrics of the song came to life and I could see Charlie's face in them. Not only her face, but her journey. Her blog posts, her videos, her triumphs, her cheers and her tears. And of course, in seeing the lyrics reflected in Charlie's adventure to a healthy weight, I could also see my own.

I cried.

Ugly cry.

And it was beautiful.

Then when I came home, I emailed her immediately to tell her about OUR new victory song.

And then I made this for my friend.

To celebrate her victory.

Because I know one day after I celebrate my own . . . she'll let me borrow her clothes.

Love you Whore Face.

(Thanks to Cherie Call for this beautiful song. Please don't sue me for using it. I will totally cry big fat tears.)

Resolutions and What Not

2011-12-27T18:32:00.000-08:00

The year is ending. I suppose that means I should be making resolutions about losing weight and whathaveyou.

But I'm not.

Because it doesn't work. Because it's goals that are centered around a whole year instead of day to day, week to week or even month to month. And I need those smaller goals. I need things in perspective.

For those who haven't yet read the origins of this weight loss blog . . . I started writing letters to myself back in 2010. Each month a letter would automatically post on my blog telling me about what was going on exactly a year earlier. I'd write about my health, weight and post a picture of what I looked like. That way I could see the difference a year could make.

And boy did I see!

Finally I had the perspective I needed to keep moving forward. It didn't matter if I didn't lose ten pounds in a month, as long as I didn't weigh (or more importantly FEEL) what I did a year earlier, I was making progress!

I finished up one full year of these letters I've called "Love, Yourself" and today I posted a recap of that full year that you can read. One year really can make a difference. And I'm excited for the year to come. Excited to see what it brings to my health, to my mind, and naturally to my weight.

Thank you all for supporting me in this adventure. It's needed, appreciated and not ever forgotten!

This time last year I weighed 250 pounds. During the year I reached a low of 233! It was amazing. I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks because I don't want to see that Christmas may have really hit me hard. I want to look at the difference that this year has made, and end 2011 on a high note.

2012 starts in just a few days. I'll deal with the scale then.

Much love to you all in the coming year!

Excuses, Excuses

2011-12-26T08:28:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this on Christmas Eve morning (and will schedule to post later) because it's the only time I'm going to have to blog before the New Year since after the 28th I'll be out of town until January 5th - and I didn't want to use up any excuses to not blog about my excuses - hur hur.

As per Charlie's instruction, I've been keeping a running list of excuses as to why I can't lose weight, eat properly, exercise, etc. The list is full of very typical excuses, and some that I found not so typical (dare I say untypical?) for me.

I feel sick and when I feel sick I don't want to workout or eat healthy.
I'm actually sick and can barely move.
I'm tired.
I'm still hungry after eating a healthy meal.
I have no way of getting to the gym today.
I'm scared of starting and failing.
Something hurts too much to work out.
Worried that if I don't eat this tasty junk food now, I will lose the weight and then never get to eat it ever again.
Junk food is cheaper and I'm broke.
Making fatty foods is easy, healthy meals are harder. They are less filling and I already know how to make a recipe good simply by adding bacon or butter.
I'm hungry.
Food tastes so good I don't want to stop eating it.
Something in my meal didn't satisfy the taste I was looking for.
Something in my meal left a nasty taste in my mouth, now I need something better to end the meal on.
Saw something on TV that makes me want to cook (and then eat).
It's hard to do this alone.
Sometimes I think I'm going to die soon anyway (I have an overwhelming fear of cancer cause it strikes anyone at any time - or a number of other flaws in my genetic inheritance that could cause disease, heart attack, etc) so I worry that it's too late to fix anything anyway.
Change hurts.
Change is scary.

So my list sucks. I don't like the excuses I use, and I use some repeatedly. Some I use on really bad or stressful days when I'm overwhelmed with something else that's on my mind. But there they are.

Excuse me, but this whoreface needs your number...

2011-12-05T07:27:00.000-08:00

Before I began writing this, I had to brush the cobwebs off of my keyboard. Sigh. Blog much lately, Charlie?

Ok, so let’s do this thing right. (Or write, as the case may be.)

Dear Jia-

I know that you are struggling with cake mix. And goodies. And yummies. And the holidays.

Those are pretty valid struggles. And I know them all intimately. Personally. I’ve been there.

For the next 26 days, I want you grab a pen and notebook to keep with you EVERYWHERE you go.

Cause you are going to start an excuse notebook.

I’m not asking you to change your habits, yet. Just start writing them down.

Do you remember in the movie “Reality Bites” when Jenneane Garafalo (or however you spell it) kept a notebook of all the dudes she banged? It was a pretty long list.

You are going to write down every excuse you are tapping.

You can write one word names like “Hungry” and “Starving.”

Or you can write longer defined excuses like “Got really angry because I was having a bad hair day so screw it.” (That one can honestly happen. I KNOW…)

The point is, every day you come into contact with excuses as to why you aren’t fully committing yet to the diet. And this post isn’t at all coming from a place of judgment. It’s coming from a place of “Been there, done that, don’t want to let you learn the hard way like I did.”

Anyhoo, these excuses are the ONLY THING keeping you from finding success at the things you really want most. A healthy life. A chance at a family. Feeling good in your own skin.

I’m guessing that you have about the same 5 excuses that you bounce between. That’s the funny thing about us whorefaces. We are loyal to the same bad behaviors over and over again.

So I’m not saying you need to change right now. Just start getting the number of excuses you use. See which ones you frequent the most. See which ones you can never say no too. (That midnight booty call to the fridge- what’s the reason/excuse for it? Sticking your fingers deep into a bag of chips- think about the whys.)

Then report back to me with what you have found. Once we see what is really happening, we can take the next step.

PS- I think it's time for a new picture. I kinda don't look so much like this anymore! lol

Holiday Hurdles

2011-12-03T13:40:00.001-08:00

I'm having some holiday hurdles.

Which is weird because I've never had them before.

When others who wanted to lose weight came around to this time of year, I always heard the "Oh I'm going to gain so much weight around Christmas," and "I need to just avoid any holiday party until after New Year" and things like that. I never got it. Maybe it's because I never really went to any parties, and most of my holiday activities were taken up by presents and surprisingly not food. I've never even really liked cookies that much.

But this year is strangely different.

I attended a Church cookie exchange and ate a bunch of my own cookies (which contained two sticks of butter and a package of cream cheese because I was in a rush and that was the only recipe I had all the ingredients for). And at the cookie exchange I polished off at least two small loaves of banana bread, three frosted sugar cookies, and oh did I mention that a few nights ago I made a dozen raspberry muffins at midnight and ate four and a half of them right then and there?

I totally don't know what's come over me. I am not a sugar craving person. I'm the person that craves salty and savory and spicy and creamy. When we go out to eat, I push off the thought of dessert because I know I'm going to get another bowl of pasta instead. When we drive home from a date and my husband is thinking, "Do I want to stop through that drive thru and get some ice cream?" I'm looking across the street at the burrito shack with the same affection.

Also, in the middle of this strange craving flip something else has happened.

I had some sort of allergic reaction (I think) to a candy that my MIL gave me. It ended up slicing up my tongue a bit and turned the whole thing into one cankerous mess. The pain (after almost two weeks) has finally subsided, but things don't taste right anymore. I could easily blame the sweet mess on this, but that started even before Thanksgiving.

Anyhow . . . back to the holidays.

So now I don't know where I stand with the holidays. I'm obviously not going to be making cookies again anytime soon. But there's still boxes of cake mix in my pantry that I'm looking at with a very inappropriate desire. Is it enough for now to replace the oil with applesauce and other healthy items? Will that satiate my craving until New Years (when I'll be in Colorado by myself watching my Motherly's house, where she only has Nutrisystem to eat anyways)?

I know I've taken several steps backwards on this weight loss adventure this year, and I've done well in celebrating the little milestones instead of beating myself over not having lost 100 pounds by now. I'm doing really good at thinking long term instead of quick fix. But where am I right now? Am I in a strong enough place to say, "No! I'm not going to to eat these things, even if it is Christmas!" Because honestly, I don't think I am. I feel like I need to go all the way back to the beginning, start from scratch and learn it all over again.

So is it okay so say, "Don't worry about that right now, focus on the basics" without feeling like I'm throwing in the towel somehow?

Illness, Depression and Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T05:35:00.001-08:00

I didn't do a weigh in this week. And honestly, I just didn't want to.

Between fighting off a cold that's been attacking my house and family members for over a month, fighting off depression that rears it's ugly head around this time of year, and just general holiday/family/daily stress, I knew I was retaining water, weight and probably a whole bunch of other stuff.

And today is Thanksgiving.

And I'm so not ready to go there.

It was actually this time last year that I asked for Charlie's help. Or really, just placed a random loud call out to the world asking anyone for help. Charlie answered. And I'm glad she did.

Because in one year, I've lost up to seventeen pounds. I've kept off most of it between medications, mental illness, stress, moving and other health issues. I know it's only 10-17 pounds, but you know what? It's 10-17 pounds and I'm so proud of that! Slow and steady, right?

So today when I'm thinking of the things I'm thankful for, I'm adding 17 pounds, Charlie, and you all to my list.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Endorphins Don't Weigh Very Much

2011-11-09T11:13:00.000-08:00

I added two new tools to my weight loss adventure this week.

One was this handy dandy little website/phone app that helps me keep track of my daily caloric intake (although honestly right now I'm going back to basics and using it to FLOG instead of focusing on the numbers.)

It also keeps track of my exercise for me and has a community where I can keep track of my friends and support one another.

If you are a member of MyFitnessPal, leave your username in the comments so I can add you as a friend. If you want to friend me, my user name is Untypically Jia.

The second tool has become most helpful.

I honestly never thought I'd be that okay with going to the gym. It was always a, "Oh when I lose 50 or so pounds THEN I'll start going to the gym." Because I've been to the gym before. I went to a fancy gym in Utah with my big sister where I was the fattest person by at least 50 pounds in the room. Those people weren't there to get healthy or lose weight, they were there because they were married to big shot doctors, attorneys and basketball players and they had an image that needed to be maintained.

I did not feel welcome.

But when my friend took me as a guest to his gym last week I felt right at home. Planet Fitness is a judgement free zone, and is often considered a starter gym. The big body builders that come into the gym with a gallon of water, eager to lift 350 pounds and grunt at themselves are kindly shown the door. Because they are not welcome. They can have the other gyms, this one is mine.

I went Thursday as a guest and followed along with my friends basic workout. The next day I was more sore than I've ever been before. But my soreness did not outweigh my enthusiasm. I walked into that gym Saturday morning with a membership card of my very own.

Sunday and Monday my whole family was sick (and I was feeling a little down) so I decided to just be sick too. Yesterday morning I felt like garbage. I was easily overwhelmed, achey everywhere, and I just wanted to curl up into a ball and lay in bed the rest of the day.

But then I remembered that my husband had an appointment in town in the afternoon, so I quickly got up, got dressed and asked him if he'd drop me off at the gym on his way to his appointment. And I never felt so good. I doubled my time on the elliptical machine, lifted my weights and even got a quick tan and a fifteen minute sit down in the massage chairs while I was waiting for my husband to come pick me up. I spent almost an hour and a half working out, and I felt soo good.

Apparently I am a gym rat.

I also lost weight this week.

234

I'm back baby!

Gym Rat and a Weigh In (both in words and deeds)

2011-11-02T13:55:00.000-07:00

I was watching Conan last week with my hubby, like we do, and the special guest was Zach Galifinakis - whom I completely love and adore. I'll include the clip below but I totally had to share this little interaction between Conan and Zach that had me in stitches:

Conan: I've gotta say, you look fit!

Zach: Yeah, yeah, I'm a real gym rat.

Conan: Haha, you're a gym rat.

Zach: I'm a real gym rat. Love the gym.

Conan: A gym rat.

Zach: If I'm not at Gold's I'm either at Equinox or jogging on the beach.

*mass laughter*

Conan: Really?

Zach: Yeah.

Conan: You're just constantly going at it, just constantly working out?

Zach: Always been fit my whole life. A real gym rat.

Conan: Gym rat. Just keep saying gym rat.

Zach: If you say it enough, it happens.

Conan: So you think you're a gym rat?

Zach: Well sometimes I consider myself a gym rat.

Okay so now that that's done with and we've all gotten our giggles out . . .

WARNING: Major Rant-like Confession Below

Today is Wednesday and it's my weekly weigh in which I am NOT calling Weigh in Wednesday because everyone uses that. I just decided Wednesday would be a good day to weigh in because in my head I'm still thinking "Weigh in Wednesday" so it'll remind me whether I blog about it or not.

Today's weigh in wasn't great at all. 239. Which means I gained 6 pounds over the last week. I'm not beating myself up too bad about it though because not only did I have Chinese food last night, but for some reason between my kidneys, women stuff and the weather this time of year, my body retains water like something crazy. I feel all tight in my skin lately. Like my blood has solidified. I hate water retention. And I'm hoping that's just it.

Even if it's not, and I actually did gain six pounds this last week . . . I've come to the realization that I need to stop screwing around with this weight loss business. I'm going to be totally honest here and say that the seventeen pounds I've lost this last year (currently less than that with the 239) I only lost because I made very small changes like cutting back on the amount of soda I drink. And yes, that was an amazing result for something that was in the end very small.

But now I need to stop kidding myself. I'm not going to lose 50, 75 or even 100 pounds by just not drinking regular sugary soda. Diet Coke will not make me healthy. Even if I were to magically find some sort of diet drink that would make me lose all of that weight I still wouldn't be healthy!

My aunt and uncle went on the Nutrisystem diet a few years ago and lost a dramatic amount of weight. Dramatic! It came off so fast too and there is a huge difference. Unfortunately though, it seems now to have been a quick fix. They still eat Nutrisystem and when they don't, they either don't eat at all, or they eat poorly. Not only that, but they don't exercise. Muscle mass is gone. And I don't see that as healthy.

I don't want the quick fix. I'm okay with my curves.

I will proudly wear my stretch marks like a tiger wears her stripes.

And while I would like to be able to shop for clothes on the front racks at Walmart instead of having to dig through the clearance items hoping that somewhere someone overlooked a marked down pair of size 24 jeans . . . ultimately, the reasons I want to lose weight are to be healthy. I want to live for a very long time. I want to have my pains and aches eased. I want the thrill of endorphins. I want a healthy body.

I have genetics fighting severely against me. Heart disease, addictions, strokes, blood pressure problems, cholesterol problems, diabetes, thyroid issues, blood clots, and cancer ALL run heavily in my family - most of those things come on both sides! I can't sit around playing flip the coin with my body anymore. I'm 27 years old and I've spent most of my 20's on my ass watching television over 200 pounds.

So tomorrow I'm going to a gym as a guest with one of my friends who needs some workout motivation himself. I looked over the gym information (Planet Fitness) and I'm honestly thinking about getting a membership. Not only would I have 24 hour access to the gym, but they offer free training DAILY. Classes, tanning booths (which would be perfect for my pale Irish ass), massage chairs, and even something called red light therapy.

My husband texted today saying that he changed our insurance plans for next year to include more coverage for fertility and maternity. Over the past seven years when choosing insurance plans, we've always made sure to include something for fertility and maternity - but it's never been something proactive. It's always been a "just in case" type of thing. But the truth is, we can't have children. We haven't had the tests done yet. We haven't even really focused on it. Always hoping that God will intervene somewhere (even though we aren't doing OUR part). Even if I got proactive about the fertility treatments and still ignored my weight, what do I think I'm going to do after having a baby? Suddenly be inspired to start weight lifting? No! I want to bring my children into this world through a healthy body! (And preferably through an uncomplicated C section because I saw my nephew born last year and now I'm traumatized.)

So wish me luck.

Cause I'm tired of waiting for healthy Jia to dig her way out. I'm gonna go find her my damn self!

Let's hope she's cool with being a gym rat.

Gym rat. Gym rat.

Exercise Motivation

2011-10-28T18:11:00.000-07:00

So I made the decision today that I'm going to cut back on television and the internet. I spend WAY too much time clicking the refresh button on Pinterest and the amount of Chopped I watch at 3am is just unhealthy. Especially when it makes me immediately want to start eating.

Aside from the late night snacking, I have one thing that I want to conquer:

Source: petite-pixxie.tumblr.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Am I the only one who looks at people jogging and thinks, "I don't get it."

My older sister is super into fitness and she runs several miles a day last I recall. I can't remember any time in my life that I ran a mile, let alone for fun. But here's the thing . . . I want to. I want to be one of those people who can wake up early in the morning and go for a run just to enjoy the endorphins, the sunrise and the scenery.

But damn that first step is hard.

For one, it's really cold outside. Not to mention there's a boob issue to be dealt with that I've taken to calling me "bounce rate" (blogging humor).

And everyone says that running is the cheapest form of fitness. But it's not. Because I'm going to need to invest in a serious sports bra, some frictionless exercise clothes and speaking of friction, there's going to be some thigh vs thigh competition and the loser will be a tie between me and a rash. How's that for the nitty gritty, y'all?

Advice would be appreciated.

And damn do I wish all of you could be here to just run alongside me.

Starting Again

2011-10-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've written about weight loss.

Hell, it's been a while since I've thought much about weight loss.

Since my last post I spent two weeks in Colorado visiting family, dealt with my husband being on medical leave from work, and oh . . . did I mention that we moved in with my in-laws? Yeah, it's been a crazy couple of months!

But I am determined to get back on track. I've created a blogging schedule to remind me to post here (and also to weigh in every Wednesday) and update you all on my progress. Because it's doable. Because it's possible. And because I really, really need/want this.

Since losing those original 16 pounds I've yoyo'd between 234 and 239 back and forth, which isn't that bad considering I was on a multitude of medications for depression and anxiety. Medications that should have actually caused me to gain a lot more weight back than I did. So for that, I was happy.

Then this morning, I was determined to get on the scale to start this anew.

233

That's seventeen pounds lost for those of you keeping track. Seventeen pounds lost since I begged Charlie to help me. Seventeen pounds since I started this whole thing almost a year ago. It's not the Biggest Loser. But guess what? I don't care. Seventeen pounds is two healthy newborn babies. Seventeen pounds is a fat Chihuahua. Seventeen pounds is what you get when you subtract 233 (my current weight) from 250 (the weight I will never be again)!

And seventeen pounds is just the beginning.

The Answer

2011-06-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

I don't want to write this post.

I've been putting it off for days now.

But I have to write it.

To answer your question, yes, I do still want it. But I don't know why.

I can make a list of the benefits of losing weight, sure. Mostly because I want to be healthy. I want to have children. I want to feel comfortable in my own body. I want the ease of shopping for clothes. I want energy. And most importantly, I don't want obesity to be what eventually kills me.

But when I think about losing weight, the first thing that comes to my mind, is that I don't want to be embarassed anymore. I know I am beautiful, and I am a good, funny, smart and fun person. But I'm big. And I don't like to be big. And I've been in denial about that for so long. I'm over 200 pounds and it's no longer a big deal to me because I've been over 200 pounds for seven years.

And when I started losing weight, I would proudly tell people.

And then I told my Dad. Who I hadn't spoken to in years. I wrote him a letter and proudly said, "I lost sixteen pounds this year so far and I've been keeping most of it off!" And then in my head I said, "Oh no, what if he asks me how much I weigh?" Because even though I'm no longer 250 pounds . . . I'm still over 200. I'm still considered obese. I still have rolls and stretch marks and I have a hard time breathing when I go up stairs.

It's hard to see the finish line.

And I'm trying my hardest to take baby steps.

No you know what? That's a total lie. I stopped trying a while ago. I lost sixteen pounds because I stopped drinking so much soda, started drinking water and started eating smaller meals instead of big fat greasy meals once a day. And then I said, "Damn, this is totally easy!" And I stopped doing anything else. And the weight didn't come off anymore. And some of it came back on when I got on a new medication. And I realised that it wasn't easy. And a part of me didn't want to do it anymore. And even though the rest of me wanted it, that one part wanted to be lazy, and to drink soda, and to eat, and to eat, and to eat.

I haven't been trying. Maybe because trying is giving me a way out.

When I say, "Oh I'm going to try to lose weight," I'm saying that if it doesn't work, at least I tried.

I need to say, "I'm going to lose weight!" And I know that.

And even though I need to make small goals, take baby steps, and enjoy the journey . . . sometimes it's good to see what the finish line looks like.

So I've taken a few of your pictures Charlie . . . and I've made a reminder for myself that I hang on my fridge.

So thank you for helping me.
For reminding me.
For supporting me.

Because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

The Question

2011-06-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Jia-

It's been a while since I've heard from you on the blog. (Then again, it's been a while since I've written too!)

And we need to get back on track.

BUT ONLY if you still wanna.

Cause here's the thing. I can talk to you through the entire process. I can tell you everything I have learned (and boy is there a lot cause I was clueless in the beginning!), tell you things that worked, things that didn't, and in general be a support.

But I can only be effective at those things if this is what you want.

And it's not like I'm judging. I cannot tell you HOW MANY diets I started and stopped before it finally clicked for me. I had more Monday starts and Wednesday stops than you would ever believe. I wanted it, but I didn't want it enough.

That is the key. You have to want this more than anything else. More than being comfortable. More than being pain free. More than sleeping. (So guilty of that one!) You have to want this like you have never wanted anything before.

And then, you have to use your desire to change and transform your body. It will hurt. You will "feel" hungry. You will question if you can ever change. And all of those things are normal. You are supposed to feel uncomfortable and frustrated. Mostly because if we were forced to admit it, the weight we carry makes us frustrated and uncomfortable- but without the benefit of feeling like you accomplished something at the end of the day.

So, let's get our butts in gear and make this your year. There's time still to accomplish incredible things. And I want to do it with you.

So my question is- do you still wanna?

The Return...

2011-05-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

My dearest Jia-

I have been meaning to write this post for a while now.

I know, I've been really bad about writing on here. Life has distracted me like crazy lately. And I have no excuse other than LIFE.

But even though life has been keeping me hopping, it HASN'T stopped me from pressing on in my weight loss journey. I'm writing this while weighing 156. A number I never even knew could exist for me. Which adds my grand total up to 82 pounds.

WOW. It doesn't seem possible.

Not like I've been the super stellar diet girl all the time, because I haven't. But the time from when I started the diet until now, it seems to have blown by so fast! Of course, in the middle of it all, it felt like it was moving slower than molasses. Looking back, however, I see a much different picture.

I look at all the challenges I faced. And dealt with.
I look at all the exercising I avoided. And eventually did.
I look at all the broccoli I ate. Then discovered other foods that didn't make me so gassey.
I look at how I felt in the beginning- ashamed and afraid and insecure. And I don't feel those things now.

My point is, you deserve to know that no matter what the issue is you face at this moment, it's gonna pass. (And you will get different moments with their own unique set of problems! lol)

We can't let those things jump up and throw us off too far. We have to deal with them in ways that are healthy for us. We have to focus on the little steps today. Not getting frustrated that we aren't at goal tomorrow.

Dieting is like a really long road trip. I remember one year we drove from Illinois to Florida. 7 people and all their luggage packed into a station wagon driving for 25 hours straight. And it was miserable, because we all wanted to be in Florida now, not stuck in the middle of the trip.

My mom encouraged us to focus on the next town that was coming up. Don't think your goal is Florida, but the town of Whoziewhatzie, Middle America. If you get to that town, you are one town closer to the goal.

Life has gotten in the way of my blogging, but it hasn't gotten in the way of me getting that much closer to my goal. It's possible to do that. I just keep focusing on the next little goal again and again and again.

And 3 years later?

I'm almost to Disneyworld at last...

A Quick Update and a Weigh In

2011-04-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

Quick.

Who am I kidding? I invented the run on sentence.

So it's been a month since Charlie or I has posted on this blog. We both got our reasons. Seems like life has a way of taking over when you least expect it and thankfully, it did just that to both of us at the same time. I can't imagine what would happen if it was only one of us dealing with this at a time. We're coming back though. Dealing with our own things here and there.

And I'm still on my journey to health.

Even if I've taken a step in a different direction.

For those who don't read my personal blog, I suffer from OCD, anxiety and depression. In fact I was recently diagnosed with these things after living with them for so many years. Anxiety for at least five. Depression for at last twelve. The OCD, hell, that very well might have been something I was born with at this point.

And while I spent last year working very hard to get control over my OCD and anxiety, there was very little I could do to conquer my depression. I lacked the tools needed to help myself. So I finally got up the guts and went to the doctor. Between weekly therapy and new medication, I am on the road to recovery.

But with the new medication comes new side effects that may put a temporary pause on my weight loss journey. I'm not sure yet if I'll be in that sweet percentage of people who actually lose weight on antidepressants, or if like others, I'll end up gaining some. Right now my side effects are dealing with restlessness and insomnia, so I'm hoping I might burn a few extra calories here and there in the waking hours when I just can't seem to sit still.

In the meantime, I know I'm on the good path. That this will help me in the long run.

Depression has been one MAJOR thing that has contributed to my weight problems. And you can't fix a symptom without curing the disease or else it'll pop right back up again. I can't imagine losing this weight only to have it pile back on because I didn't get mentally healthy while getting physically healthy. I won't create my own obstacles anymore.

I've gained back a bit of weight.

But that's okay. Because this isn't the end. I'm still a work in progress.

And I haven't gained it all back either. I'm still at a happy number for me.

And happy is the point, right?

4/25/11

239 lbs!

Post Sickness Weigh In

2011-03-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

I wonder why my body completely turns away healthy food when I get sick.

Seriously.

I got super sick a week ago and was finally able to get to the doctor on Monday where I found out I had severe bronchitis and even a matching lung infection. Antibiotics and an inhaler later and yet nothing seemed to help. Larger solid foods (healthy or not) would not go down my throat. Everything hurt, like swallowing fire!

Literally the only thing I could eat without being in agony, was cheap Top Ramen soup and popsicles. I was also super dehydrated because even drinking water hurt. So when my body started getting all bloated thanks to the lack of water and the additional salt in my diet, I knew that I wasn't going to lose any weight this week. Hell, I'd be lucky if I didn't gain ten pounds!

But I didn't gain ten pounds. I gained two. I'm back at a decent 236 and you know what? I'm fine with it. Two pounds is well worth it to get rid of that painful throat infection, swollen neck glands, headaches and horrible cough!

Plus, I've got my inhaler now which means I may be able to get in some decent cardio workouts. I had asthma when I was growing up, my early teen years and I stopped treating it when I was around thirteen or fourteen. I just didn't seem to need it. We moved to a different climate, I was more active and I stopped having attacks (even though my attacks before were really mild). However, as I've gotten older it comes back with allergy seasons, and thanks to three years of getting chronic bronchitis that lasted three plus months, my lungs are pretty weak. Cardio kills me.

But now I've got my meds back and I can jump back on the work out wagon! I'm still recovering a little bit, but I'm feeling good enough to get up and get moving again!

PS: I had received such a good outpouring of love and support on my personal blog, that I decided to start a monthly blog carnival called, "Love, Yourself" where you write letters to yourself from a year ago so you can see the amazing difference an entire year can make. Feel free to check it out and join in!

A Step Back in Time

2011-03-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

I noticed my weight gain longer than five years ago, but five years ago it didn't bother me so much. I weighed 240 pounds, which is only ten pounds lighter than when I started this weight loss adventure.

But 240 (or 250 for that matter) wouldn't be the weight I would top out at. At my highest I weighed 260 pounds, and that's when I was still stepping on a scale. Who's to say during the moments when I was in denial that I wasn't pushing closer to 270, 275 or more?

I never thought that 240 would look so appealing until I ran right past it and settled into my comfort zone, which remained between 250 and 255.

240 looked like something in a dream.

Do you know what reality looks like though?

It looks like 234.

I know I only had my last weigh in two days ago, but so close to losing 15 pounds, I couldn't help it. I was awake, the scale was right there, I figured . . . what the hell? And wouldn't you know, I skipped straight to 234. I've lost 16 pounds since starting this adventure in December. The furthest I've come in a "diet" in my entire life. And the thinnest I've been in at least five years.

A Reason For Fat (Update and a Weigh In)

2011-03-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

Anytime I've ever tried to lose this weight, something always stops me. I'll fall a little and instead of picking myself back up, I say, "Oh well, try again next year," or something like that. I think of how I used to be skinny. Of how I used to move quickly, roller blade, climb fences, have energy, good health and all that jazz. Oh, and I used to dance. And I loved to dance. I even had rhythm (a LONG time ago.)

But I got fat. And I stayed fat. And I'm still fat.

Because I think of how skinny I USED to be. You know, back when I was sixteen and my brand of skinny actually felt like fat. But skinny nonetheless. I vaguely remember what it all felt like. What it felt like to try on jeans without crying. What it felt like to wear t-shirts that didn't show the rolls in my belly. What it felt like to wear a bikini! What it felt like to watch the boys look at me, and want me for my body (and not for my personality, LOL).

But I was a teenager and that was at the time - whether I knew it or not - something pretty average. I wasn't model thin, but I wasn't obese. I was just a curvy, healthy girl who could wear average sizes, and fill out her shirts pretty damn well. I was an average teenager.

But I'm never going to be a teenager again, no matter how much Glee I watch. I'm never going to be sixteen again. I know what it's like to be a thin teenager. But I'm closing in on 27 - pushing 30 if you will (LOL) . . . and I've spent most of my twenties being obese! I don't know how to be a thin adult. I can't even imagine it. It just doesn't come into mind. It's the complete unknown.

When I think of 30, I think of my older sister. When she was 30 years old, she had three children and she was half my size. By 35 she was a marathon runner. At 36 she's practically an athlete who looks like a model. But I'm aware that won't be me. I will never look like her. Because she never did to herself what I've done to me. She stayed healthy and fit all her life.

So even if I get to a marathon stage where I consider myself an athlete, I still won't look like her. I won't look like my idea of 30.

Being fat has been a safe zone. I'm used to it. I'm used to the bad parts of it too. I'm used to complaining about my aching back, feet and hips. I'm used to how much I HATE shopping for clothes. I'm used to eating whatever I want because, hell why even bother? And the fatter I got, the more complacent I got about being fat. And the more I sat on my ass and decided to not do anything about it, or anything at all. And once I sat down, I never got back up . . . and the years have flown by.

Years I will never get back.

I'm still fat . . . and I struggle with knowing whether I can do this or not. Anytime I step on the scale I prepare for failure. "Just don't be back to 250" I say over and over. "I can handle anything other than that."

I'm not mentally losing weight.

I'm mentally not gaining weight.

So anytime I lose weight, it's a complete surprise to me. And I keep getting closer and closer to where I want to be, but also closer to the unknown. To the time when I'm going to have to say, "I'm here, I'm thin, now what?"

The last two weeks I backtracked. My husband has been sick with bronchitis and it's taken it's toll on my family, my house, our budget and therefore our food intake. Money went to unexpected doctor bills and prescriptions, and we had to live off of carb infused pantry food. Food that made me crave anything else. It's been a miserable two weeks.

Yesterday Charlie texted me:

Charlie: How's your weight holding?
Jia: Oh I've gained. I don't know how much though.
Charlie: It will happen for you, I know it will!
Jia: I just pray I'm not back up at 250. Anything under I can deal with.

This morning I stepped on the scale.

236

I'm down 3 pounds since my last weigh in. I've lost a total of 14 pounds since starting this weight loss adventure. And I'm still surprised.

A reason for Fat

2011-03-03T15:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia-

You and I have both been struggling to keep up the food fight. You've been squeezing on Whiskey (her puppy) and I've been busier than a one armed house painter with crabs. It's been frustrating because I have wanted to check in with you so many times, but haven't made time until today.

This week doesn't really have a challenge. More of a thought I want you to start thinking on.

What are the reasons you struggle with weight?

I know, the usual answer is "because I love food," but trust me on this- loving food isn't the real problem. It never is.

For me, fat was a form of protection. It kept people from getting too close to me. Then they couldn't hurt me. As an adult, I can pretend that my reasons have morphed into something more suitable, like no time for exercise, too much fast food, etc.. But the smaller I get, the bigger my "real" fat problem/reason gets. I am terrified that if people see the real me, I'll get hurt. They will use me or take advantage of me. So I still am clinging to my last 30ish pounds.

I'm telling you this because I didn't realize my emotional attachments to fat would still be there once the fat started to go away. I thought the emotions would change with the weight loss. But they haven't. In fact, I'm not ashamed to say they have intensified. I'm drawing my inner circle closer, and making it harder for others to get in.

I want you to take a good look at your life. Why are you holding on to the fat? It doesn't matter if it's 10 pounds or 200 pounds. We all have our reasons.

Today, I'm being honest about my journey because I want those emotions to change. I don't want to live like a recluse or a hermit, keeping seperate from who I'm supposed to be. I want to live my life to the fullest.

So, tell me-

What's your reason for the fat?

Why My Eating Habits Have Dropped and Yet My Fitness is Rising

2011-02-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

This last week I haven't been able to complete the calorie counting challenge. In fact, we haven't even gone grocery shopping yet. And I haven't been eating that well.

I have however, strangely increased my fitness activity.

Last week I was taking one fifteen minute walk per day with my six year old pug (with about two other short walks spaced out during the day). This involved going up and down two flights of stairs each time as we live on the second story of our building. Going up and down those stairs was hard. I often had difficulty breathing, and my bad knee made it impossible to go up and down without using the railing for balance.

This week I go on roughly two fifteen minute walks per day (with about eight other short walks spaced out during the day). I go up and down the two flights of stairs roughly eighteen times total. And when I'm on the stairs, I'm often carrying at least ten pounds in my arms. Maybe more.

Why?

I'm trying to house break a new puppy.

No idea how this'll effect my weight loss this week (considering my food intake) but one thing is for sure . . . I can go up and down two flights of stairs while carrying a fat basset hound.

Weigh In: It's Not All in My Head

2011-02-20T07:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I'm about to step on the scale I think, "Alright, I can't have possibly lost weight this week, so maybe if I only gained one or two pounds, that'll be acceptable." This week was no different. We were in between paychecks, which meant that instead of fresh veggies, we lived mostly off of pantry food. Between that, Valentine's Day and even celebrating out 7 year wedding anniversary - I was certain that I'd jumped from 243 t0 245.

And I could live with 245.

I could handle it.

So this morning I stepped on the scale.

"Please don't be more than 245 . . . ."

And that's when I saw it:

239

If you're wondering what "239" actually looks like, it's something like this:

11 pounds gone forever.

It's not all in my head. I'm actually losing weight. I haven't been in the 230's in over 5 years. 5 long years.

When I was born I was a month premature. I weighed in at 5 pounds 5 ounces.

I have officially lost 2 baby Jia's.

I Think I'm Fat, I Think I'M Fat

2011-02-18T14:12:00.000-08:00

I went to the store today to buy some new clothes. Not because mine are already falling off my body (I wish!) but because I just needed some new things. While I was moseying around the pants department I thought, "I wonder if I could actually fit into a size 22." I haven't been able to wear a size 22 in quite some time. I've been sitting back, relaxing in 24's for at least a year.

So I grabbed a pair of 22's and headed to the dressing room where I proceeded to take this "before" picture.

These pants fit me perfectly. Not too tight, not too loose. But I just wanted to see if I could squeeze into those 22's. I wanted to see how far away I was from being one size down.

So I took off my 24's and got ready to put on the 22's. Just then I thought, "I should take a picture of the size tag of the 24's to show the size difference."

And I flipped my pants open, pulled on the tag and saw it . . . "22"

I've apparently been wearing a size smaller than I thought, this entire freaking time.

Week Whatever we are on Challenge: A CASE of the Flaming Oooooooohs!

2011-02-16T11:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia-

YOU ARE LOSING WEIGHT.

You aren’t just talking about needing to lose weight. Or WANTING to lose it.

Yer DOING IT!!!! And to me, that is a wonderful thing! (And I’m guessing it is to you too!)

So now, we have done lots of things. We’ve analyzed your food, why you eat it, when you eat it, and HOW you eat it.

Now you are really going to count it.

And by that, I mean we are going to count calories. But we are going to make it fun.

We are going to call them Flaming O’s.

Every 100 calories equals a Flaming O.

And your challenge is to get between 12 and 14 Flaming O’s a day. No more, and certainly no less.

Because if we drop you down too far, your body will go into starvation mode. And then you won’t lose any weight at all!

I’m not concerned with fat, carbs or protein. Because calories are calories, no matter what kind they are.

Oh, here’s the bonus!

VEGGIES DON’T COUNT! (But anything you put on the veggies, like butter or oil, does count.)

If you sign up for a Spark People account, you can find calorie counters on there and keep track of them. Or just google it. Or text me. ;)

So, you get to have between 12-14 Flaming O’s a day. Veggies don’t count.

And the final task- Nookie 3 times a week.

THOSE Flaming O’s are merely a bonus round…

OMG Have You Lost Weight?

2011-02-15T10:44:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure when it was the last time I saw my cousin Mitzi, but this last week when she came into town to visit, her eyes popped when she saw me.

"Oh my gawd, have you lost weight?"

"Yeah, seven pounds," I said proudly.

"No, you've lost more than that."

"Nope. Just seven pounds in the last few months."

"Well then you've definitely lost inches. You look like you've lost a lot of weight."

Do I? I didn't think I did.

I look at pictures of myself from last year, and sure I can see a bit in my face at certain angles, and I can certainly feel a little different. But to have changed so much to make that big of a difference to someone who hasn't seen me in a while (yet still sees my pictures on Facebook and such), it threw me for a loop.

So I looked at myself in the mirror from different angles. Trying to see what she might have seen, and there, the smallest of differences - I saw it. I've seen it before too. Watching Biggest Loser (though theirs is much more dramatic) I've seen it when a fully bloated stomach slowly starts deflating. Just the tiniest of difference. Instead of smooth skin being stretched over a large mass, I can see a subtle dimpling in my skin. The texture is changing. It's not being pulled and stretched and pushed to the max. It's relaxing.

And I can see it.

Sure it's probably not the drastic change that my cousin saw in me, but it's enough for now. One pound at a time. One centimeter at a time. One small detail at a time.

I'm changing.

Exposed

2011-02-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

While reading yesterdays challenge. . . this is how my thought process went:

And this week's challenge is going to be tough. This is where the muscle meets the road. And you are going to have to have Matt help you with this one. For that I apologize, but there is no other way.

"Well I kind of figured sex would become exercise at some point in this game..."

You are going to take your before photos.

"Oh, well that's no big deal."

Now, this may not seem like such a big deal, but my before photos almost put me 8 feet under.

"Okay, well now I just feel like an ass."

Find a tank top, sports bra and shorts or bathing suit. As little clothing as possible that shows what your body looks like right now.

"Consider it done."

Then, do the unthinkable. Strip of what little clothes you have and do some in the buff.

"....."

These shots are the hardest. These are the ones no one will ever see but you and your Matt.

And that's when I cried.

Because I've seen myself naked in the mirror before. I've evaluated until I can't look anymore, and I've reached a place of acceptance (which probably isn't the best thing in the world considering I've been in need of a serious wake up call). But here's the thing . . . I can look into the mirror and find myself to be utterly beautiful, and then without thinking I'll say, "I should take a picture of this to remind myself how pretty I am." And the camera shows me things the mirror cannot. About my face, which I know so well.

I didn't want to see what it would show me about my body.

And I didn't want my husband to see that either. Because maybe he still has the mirror vision of me. Maybe when he looks at me, he's sees everything beautiful and wonderful - but then the camera would show everything that's wrong. Or maybe he'd love everything despite what the camera saw, and my tears of disgust would only upset him.

So I took the pictures myself. I didn't even tell him I was doing it. And the file is well hidden and password protected. I didn't even want to look at them again. I looked at them too long the first time. It upset me so much because I've seen these pictures before. I've seen them on weight loss shows, and shows titled "Fattest" this, or "Most Obese" that. Not the whole of my body mind you, but sections. A clump of fat there, a bit of cellulite here, pockets and dimples and uneven places . . . I've been so judgmental of others.

And since lately it's become a mission for myself to help others build their self esteems, I quickly realised how fast I was losing mine. Because looking at those pictures, I only saw the disgust with myself, and not from a health stand point. I saw ugliness. And I needed to see beauty in my body before I could look at those other pictures and see the unhealthy - which is the first and most important reason I wanted to lose weight in the beginning.

This was never about becoming eligible for a Hooters job, this was about survival.

I can't look at the before photos and think words like, "fat", "ugly", "disgusting", and "hideous". Because that won't do any good for anyone. I have to look at those before photos and think words like, "heart disease", "diabetes", "infertility", and "early death".

So I took more photos of my body.

Angles, curves, stretch marks, and I captured the emotions I was feeling.

(note: for any family members reading this, these are not nude photos below)

Even when I lose weight I'm still going to have stretch marks, and pockets and maybe even a few rolls. I'll also have that lovely excess skin that is so trendy these days.

But I will be healthy.

Boudoir Photos

2011-02-08T11:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia-

I know I've been MIA for a little while. We got buried under ice, and then kids attacked with bored sensibilities, and it has been a long couple of weeks. But I haven't forgotten about you.

Not even a little.

And this week's challenge is going to be tough. This is where the muscle meets the road. And you are going to have to have Matt help you with this one. For that I apologize, but there is no other way.

You are going to take your before photos.

Now, this may not seem like such a big deal, but my before photos almost put me 8 feet under. Because what I saw on the photos was not what I saw in the mirror. I had no idea my body looked the way it did. And it took every ounce of strength within me not to delete my before photos from my computer.

So here's what you need to do. Find a tank top, sports bra and shorts or bathing suit. As little clothing as possible that shows what your body looks like right now.

Then find a well lighted room, and take pics. Front, both sides, and back- full body. (Or at least from head to knees.) You don't have to post the pics anywhere, or make them public. But one day, when you can see a change, you will want to show the world. (cause you've seen me showing mine all over God's green earth, right?)

Then, do the unthinkable. Strip of what little clothes you have and do some in the buff.

These shots are the hardest. These are the ones no one will ever see but you and your Matt. I have mine in a password protected file. Because THOSE PICS woke me up. They made me want to work hard. They were the embodiment of what my Matt saw. What he made kittens too. And it changed me forever.

So grab a camera, snap some shots, and report back. You don't have to share them, remember, but you do have to take them. And I promise you-

One day you'll thank me for making you do this.

Weigh In: Baby It's Cold Outside

2011-02-04T08:06:00.000-08:00

So Fridays are my usual weigh in day. Last week I weighed in and had dropped down to a magical 243! This week I ate my normal healthy meals and even got in two really decent work outs! And then it snowed. And snowed. And when it stopped snowing the temperatures dropped below zero.

For those who don't know, I live in New Mexico. The south west. The coldest it's ever been in the fifteen years I've lived here is maybe 20 degrees, and that was that one year when it snowed and the ground didn't melt it by the next morning. While it does get chilly here every now and then, the weather is still adequate for living in the south west. Until this year. Gotta admit, after this week I'm leaning more toward that 2012 end of the world theory.

There's something else about winter that I did not know. You need to drink extra water. Winter (especially in a generally dry climate) will dry out your skin like crazy. My poor hubby has been dealing with itchy skin lately due to the weather, and last night my own skin started to crawl. Add that with poor circulation and an overload of really hot showers followed by the water being shut off due to frozen pipes, and you'll get a lovely case of water retention.

Seriously my hands are all swollen and my body is screaming for water. Thankfully when the faucets came back on I refilled all my water jugs. Either way, the ice, ice baby weather keeps on a comin'. So while I know I ate well this week, I got in some exercise and I am still creating a lot of good progress . . . I am not surprised to see that my scale hasn't budged an ounce this week. Heck, I'm just glad I didn't gain any weight.

We remain at 243 - and I am content with that for now.

The weather on the other hand, I would like to file a complaint about.

To Be Completely Honest - I'm High Today

2011-02-03T15:01:00.000-08:00

I read a blog post earlier today that struck a chord with me.

The ultra amazing Julia Goulia wrote about how she has been inspired throughout her weight loss and because of that inspiration she's taking a chance to do other things, like competing in a triathlon as well as participating in a fund raising event lead by the American Lung Association called the Fight For Air Climb. (Help out by donating here.)

Something Julia said in her post today hit home....

By being 100% honest about my journey, about my struggles, about my ups and downs, about my triumphs and about my tribulations, I had struck a cord with my readers (now, my friends.) By living honestly and openly about what it is like to completely uproot oneself in search of health and happiness, I had not only done something amazing for myself but also given hope to others that, with hard work ad determination, positive change is possible.

And I realised that despite my success in this weight loss journey so far, I'm not being completely honest and open about everything. Last year I had a complete mental breakdown and I fell apart. It destroyed a lot of who I was for months and it took so long to rebuild myself. But I was open and honest about those struggles on my blog, and I know that doing so was one of the reasons I was able to pull myself out of that dark time.

So why not do the same with weight loss?

I promise to blog more often about what's going on with me, because despite this weight loss plan being created with a sense of humor, sometimes it's just not funny, and that shouldn't stop me from blogging about it. If I don't get things out of my system, they'll stay inside of me and ferment - and that, as we all know, is just empty calories.

I wanted to share some of the high points of this journey so far:

We no longer purchase soda in this house. My husband and I have actually struggled with an addiction to soda, but now, we have it under control. We no longer buy 24 packs of soda at a time. If we eat out, one of us may get a diet soda, and then we'll share (and we don't get refills).
We've cut out 90% of the dairy in our home. Due to lactose intolerance, we've both been struggling with cutting out the dairy completely, despite the pain it has caused us. But there is no dairy in our house (aside from powdered milk used only for baking). We now drink Almond Milk, which is healthier, less fattening, fewer calories and packed with more vitamins.
We've cut out red meat. We used to eat steak on a weekly basis. Our weekly dates included trips to steak houses where we could consume as much as possible. It made it hard to celebrate birthdays and special occasions because the nice restaurants we wanted to go to were our regular places. Now steak is something special, reserved for special occasions. We eat chicken, fish, and ground turkey now!
My husband is losing weight. I don't blog about his success (because that's his story - not mine) but he is losing weight! And I am so proud of him.
We no longer eat ice cream and potato chips while watching Biggest Loser.
We no longer crave Taco Bell. Instead, we crave Subway! And our sandwiches no longer contain bacon or extra cheese.
I can walk up the stairs to my apartment without running out of breath.
My husband can jog across the parking lot when walking our dog.

Another high point was last night.

were watching The Biggest Loser and a husband and wife were talking about what to do if they fell below the yellow line.

Me: If we were on the show and that happened to us, who do you think we'd send home?
Matt: You.
Me: What? Why?
Matt: You could do it on your own at home. I would need the extra help. Plus, I think sometimes even when you cook healthy foods, you tend to fatten them up just a bit because you think I won't like eating healthy things. You don't have to do that anymore by the way.

Today is a high day. Tomorrow could be a low, who knows? There are highs and there are lows. It's a process. It's a journey. It's an adventure and sometimes, it's a struggle. Often it's really effing hard.

But it's always worth it.

I Blame the Snow

2011-02-02T10:05:00.000-08:00

Okay seriously, I know I've been slacking on posting lately, but I'm just going to blame the snow. It didn't cut my internet or power, and I didn't get injured by falling on the ice, but I hate winter so much that I think it deserves blame for all the evil in the world. And all the lazy in the world.

So in response to Charlie's challenge this week for me to take my vitamins, I have to admit something. I totally failed this one. Taking vitamins is not a mystery to me either. I've taken them before, in fact, I USUALLY do take them. But for some reason this week has been so hectic that is escapes my mind every single day until it's like 8 at night and I'm certainly not going to take them then (since my vitamins give me lots of energy).

I think I'm going to invest in some of the chewable tasty vitamins that you all mentioned in the last post.

Oh! So yeah, there's total proof that I take vitamins! Last year around this time I made a vlog where I show all of my vitamins (I'm most entertaining vlogger ever). I've lost weight since this video which makes me super happy, but I'm actually right now wearing the exact same shirt that I wore in this video. How freaking sad is that? I need a massive wardrobe overhaul come post tax season.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and take my vitamins NOW.

PS: I wanted to post this earlier but I kept putting it off . . . as of my last weigh in, I am down to 243! That's 7 pounds total gone from my body forever! Do you know what seven pounds is?! A new born baby! A medium sized chihuahua! And a really good Will Smith movie.

Seven pounds, gone forever. I'm so close to the 230's I'm totally freaking out about it. Haven't seen those numbers in a few years.

If it makes you GAG...

2011-01-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia-
This week I know you have been struggling. You've been dealing with chronic migraines, sore ribs from coughing- and dealing with a sick hubby too.

That makes for a frustrating week.

So this week, I want you to focus on something you may or may not be doing.

TAKING A VITAMIN.

This is really important, because we get so focused on eating well we forget to take our daily shot of nutrients. And sometimes, there are essential things our bodies need that don't come from our foods.

So focus on getting well. Don't do too much activity other than some light stretching, eat light (low sodium soups that are brothy and some crackers, but not too many crackers!) and focus on getting better. For the record, there is a bottle of princess gummy vitamins at the walmarts you can get for 10 bucks. I take 3 a day, and they serve me well. Mostly cause the grown up vitamins make me gag when I swallow them. (((SHIVER))) I hate that feeling. So the generic gummies do much better, and I feel like I'm eating candy!

Get better soon, my sweet Jia! You can focus on health in lots of ways- looks like this weekend, you just need to focus on getting back to normal!

Measuring Up

2011-01-24T14:27:00.000-08:00

Wanna know something interesting? The only thing that separates Charlie and I is time and inches (and differently colored boxes of hair dye). Charlie recently posted her measurements (before her weight loss and her current measurements) and then she challenged me to do the same.

2.75 inches is all that separates the two of us.

That's total inches by the way. After I measured, I noticed quickly that a lot of my numbers were exactly the same as hers, and then bigger in other places by half an inch and smaller in other places by half an inch.

And suddenly . . . I saw my weight clearly.

When I look at Charlie's before pictures, it's not really Charlie to me. Does she look similar? Certainly. Is it obviously her? Of course. Is she still gorgeous? Definitely. But the Charlie I know is this tiny little thing full of smiles and energy and health. And I have to wonder if I'll be so different when I've reached my goals. Because it's possible. I can do this. Charlie did it and she was the same size as I am now. So now when I see pictures of her, I can visualize future me.

And I think I'm gonna like her.

Bust - 51

Chest - 43.5

Waist - 49.5

Hips - 48.5

Midway - 51.5

Thighs - 25

Knees - 16

Calves - 15.5

Upper Arm - 15.5

Forearm - 10.5

PS: I just got back from my vacation and weighed myself this morning. While I didn't lose any weight, I also didn't gain any. And on a vacation, that's a very awesome thing! Still rockin' 247 like a hottie!

Challenge week 7: The Measure of a Woman

2011-01-19T05:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia-

Last night I spent the better part of 6 hours in complete shock regarding the scale. And then I blogged about it. Because that's my therapy. Cause it's cheaper than actual therapy.

And today, I'm going to make sure I don't screw you up like I screwed myself.

The success of a diet is NOT pounds lost (I know, sacrilege).

It is the way you feel about yourself. And the changes your body makes. They aren't always measured on a scale.

So to make this short and sweet, you are going to measure. I know, it's terrifying. It feels horrible this first time. But in 6 months, you are going to love me for making you do this. Honest. I gave Matt the silent treatment for 3 days when he made me do it. But now that I have lost 54+ inches, I am grateful I measured.

Here's information on how to do it.

That's it. That's your only project for the week. One time and it's done for 3 whole months. Easy right?

Yeah, we like to be easy...

Love and kisses-

Orgy Party of One

2011-01-17T13:53:00.000-08:00

I wrote down my meal plan in simple words, because I know that too many details can sometimes overwhelm me and ruin the potential of success.

Day one went perfectly according to plan. PERFECTLY.

Do you know why I like watching The Biggest Loser? Because they have all their food there. They can't say things like, "A donut sounds good, I think I'll have one," because not only do they not have that in the house (unless during a temptation) but it's not even easily accessible since they live on the ranch. They can have broiled chicken breast with fresh steamed broccoli because a fancy crew brings that stuff in on a daily basis, stocking their fridge and pantry. Enough healthy food to bring a dozen or so obese contestants to a constantly lowering scale.

It's Utopia.

And then there's the episodes when they go home. When they have to PAY for their groceries. When they have to figure it all out on their own. And I laugh and say, "Now you know how we feel!" I have so little sympathy.

Day two went mostly according to plan except that I missed breakfast due to sleeping in.

Day three needed to be restructured because despite my well thought out plan, I didn't think well enough because I ran out of several things.

By the end of day four, the plan had gone to hell. I'd ran out of my healthy snacks. Due to a last minute birthday dinner, I'd run out of boneless, skinless chicken breasts. I'd run out of salads, fresh veggies, and healthy alternatives. I needed to improvise.

While I didn't go full blown orgy on my food, I also didn't follow a list the last few days. Because life sometimes gets in the way. Birthdays fill my January time slots. My husband took an entire week of vacation. And we just ran out of money and healthy food.

What I did learn in those first few days was very overwhelming and I think I've figured out why I've failed diets in the past. The day before this challenge started, I had a small bowl of cereal for breakfast. I waited about four or five hours before I was even hungry again for lunch. But on day one of the food orgy challenge, I had a large bowl of oatmeal for breakfast with frozen and dried berries, a large cup of tea . . . and I was starving. Ravenous. I NEEDED snacks just to be able to make it to lunch. And only one thing changed in those two days - a strict guide.

I'm a rebel. When I'm told I can only do one thing, I do two. When I'm told I can't have something, I find a way. When I'm told I can't achieve, I get to my goal and then rub it in naysayers faces. I'm always right. I'm always ahead. And apparently, when I'm told I can only eat a certain amount of a specific thing, I prove that I am a rebel. And I fail the diet, I crash and I burn.

I didn't crash or burn this week.

I also didn't participate in the full food orgy.

But a Pepsi may have got to second base.

PS: I'm down to 247!

Week 6 Challenge: Avoiding the Orgy

2011-01-12T11:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia-
Today I am writing you this letter from a very tender place in my heart. Mostly because I am victim/willing participant to this this very thing often. And by often, I mean last night.

The FOOD ORGY

I'll bring you the scenario.

Boy goes to bed. Girl is left alone to roam the kitchen. Girl decides to have something "sweet." Girl takes a few bites of some things that USUALLY do the trick during a flavor attack. Girl is left hard up, because nothing is satisfying her desires. Girl decides to make something in the middle of the night (ahem, perhaps like cookie dough) to relieve her cravings. Girl eats all of cookie dough in bowl even though she's not even hungry and it still doesn't taste like she wants it too. Girl jumps into self-loathing mode and HATES what she has just done, but knows she cannot change it. Girl eats a pretzel to achieve carb coma so she and her guilt can go to sleep. Boy wakes up in morning and sees mess from cookie dough fiasco and asks girl what happened. Girl, sleep deprived and full of self loathing, feels even worse because now Boy knows that it was a bad night. Boy has lots more self control than Girl, but Girl just feels ashamed that she participated in a food orgy and now Boy knows.

It ain't pretty is it. But it's 100% TRUE.

We, being united with ovaries and horror-moans, seem to be ruled by our cravings. They consume us until we are powerless to resist. WHY?

Because our bodies don't enjoy being monogamous. Our body wants excitement, thrill, calories to hang on to like postcards and beads from Mardi Gras of a life before. My body remembers that I used to drink and entire 2 liter of Coke a day and WANTS to feel that feeling again. It remembers eating entire packages of double stuffed Oreos and how they were much more exciting than salads and veggies.

Our body wants to live life on the wild side.

Unfortunately, we can't "wrap things up" and save ourselves from the consequences of food orgies. If you partake, your body will react. On the scale, in your head, on your thighs... loads of places.

Being a food monogamist is a choice. Yes, we know there are other options out there. We know that grilled chicken breast isn't the only meat out there. We know that low cal foods are way more boring than processed goodness in a french fry bag.

BUT IF WE WANT A HEALTHY
RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD,

WE HAVE TO SKIP THE ORGIES.

And it sounds much easier to do than it really is. We've been whoring out our bodies to food for so long, it's hard not to turn a couple tricks for some easy rewards. Well, we think they are rewards. But they aren't. And we know that now.

So, here's what WE are both going to do this week. In the morning, plan out your food for the day. Commit to that food. And be monogamous. You have given that food priority in your day. Now make that food feel special! Serve it on real plates! Make it look pretty! Look forward to eating the food you've committed to! Changing our diets is a lot like the transformation Julia Roberts makes in Pretty Woman. We don't know we need saving till someone shows us the way. You need it. Heck, Jia, I NEED IT. We need to be reminded that we don't live that life anymore. Now we are classy. We are focused.

We are monogamous. :)

Learning My Warning Signs

2011-01-11T09:49:00.000-08:00

I messed up last night, but instead of choosing to mope about it, call myself a failure and in turn crash and burn, I'm choosing to learn from the experience. Why did I fall? What was my stumbling block? Did I see it coming and choose to trip anyways? Or was I blind to the experience?

I was doing very good all day. Breakfast we had oatmeal with frozen and dried berries. And my husband went to work and I avoided triggers and cravings. I knew I wasn't really hungry, so I avoided the kitchen. I snacked on baby carrots and dried banana chips and decided I would eat lunch when a certain number of hours had passed, or if I heard my stomach growl at me.

But then my schedule changed suddenly.

My husband decided to take a personal day and come home early. And I was suddenly no longer in control.

This is something that has hurt me in the past before. You see, I also suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder, and I spent most of 2010 learning to recover from a lot of my downfalls with my condition. And being out of control of my day was one of those triggers that created a downfall in my ability to handle myself.

So my day changed. But I could recover this one change. Matt asked if he could pick up lunch for us (and it was getting to that time, plus I was feeling hungry) so he offered fast food options here and there, and I finally said, "Subway." It's my go to safe place. He agreed.

However, the person who made his sandwich destroyed it and didn't do a thing he said. So he ate angry. And I've noticed that when I eat in a high emotional state, I'm still hungry afterward. So was he. And I was not prepared for that.

I had nothing thawed to cook. I had no ideas come to me about how to handle this. So instead of forcing myself to cook something off the top of my head, I said, "Let's go find something else." And I left the choice up to him completely. He chose a local BBQ joint that we hadn't frequented in some time, and while the food there is amazing, and can be made to be healthy, I had already checked out.

I overate. And when I was done, other cravings began sneaking in. And I ate again without thought.

And frankly, aside from keeping meals ready to go on hand (and I don't even know where to begin with that), I don't know how to avoid these type of hurdles in the future.

Any thoughts?

Saying, "No!" And Screaming "YES!"

2011-01-09T11:59:00.000-08:00

I had a good day yesterday.

I have to admit, that a large part of this dirty diet has made me feel embarrassed and ashamed of what I've been eating. What I've been doing to myself. And when I think, or try to do anything else, I feel depraved. Charlie and I were talking the other day and I mentioned that even when I'm eating healthy, I feel like I'm eating poorly.

Why?

Because I used to eat so bad. When I would eat mass amounts of deep friend, cheese stuffed and butter dipped food, I would look at what I'm eating now as "diet food". However, now that I'm not eating that garbage, my brain thinks that I still am, so this new "diet food" made me think that I was still eating so very poorly.

And then yesterday, I had a good day. And my brain suddenly switched on. I saw the changes I've been making. And how those changes are making my husband change his ways as well. And it made me happy.

Yesterday, we went to Red Lobster (thanks to a gracious early birthday giftcard sent to my husband).

It's one of our favourite places that we go to only about once a year. When we go, our usual order looks something like this:

Drinks: 2 Sodas (unlimited refills - and we do test that unlimited rule) (100 cal each)
Appetizers: Fried Calamari (1520 cal, 97 g of fat), AND Lobster Artichoke Dip (1200 cal, 74 g of fat)
My Meal: Clam Chowder (480 cal, 84 g of fat), Seaside Shrimp Trio (1010 cal, 55 g of fat), Shrimp Alfredo (1100 cal, 58 g of fat), 2 Cheddar Biscuits (300 cal, 16 g of fat), Mashed Potatoes (370 cal, 72 g of fat)
Dessert: Strawberry Cheesecake (520 cal, 36 g of fat)

On my own, I would eat an estimated: 5430 calories and 401 grams of fat! For ONE MEAL!

Granted we only did this about once a year, but we do this at every restaurant. Fried calamari at Olive Garden, Queso at Chillis, pastas soaked in butter and cream, side dishes stuffed with cheese, seconds, thirds and fourths at all you can eat buffets, and I've never said no to dessert if cheesecake is on the menu. ... the list just goes on and on.

But yesterday . . . things changed.

Drinks: Water with Lime (0 calories)
Appetizer: Grilled Shrimp Bruchetta (650 cal, 26 g of fat)
My Meal: 1 pound of snow crab legs (180 cal, 2 g of fat), Garlic Grilled Shrimp (60 cal, 1 g of fat), Garden Salad (90 cal, 3 g of fat), Steamed Broccoli (45 cal, 0.5 g of fat), Blackened Tilapia (360 cal, 4.5 g of fat)
Dessert: None

On my own, my entire meal estimated at: 1085 calories and 27 grams of fat. THAT IS IF . . . I had eaten it all in one sitting. But I did not. I halved the meal and took the rest home with me for another meal later. I said no to the butter, I said no to the sauce, I put everything that sounded fattening on the side. And the best thing is that my husband halved the amount of calories (at least) from what he would normally have eaten as well.

What's better is that we left the table without feeling stuffed, sweaty and horrible. We stood up feeling good, satisfied both physically and emotionally (because our emotions are connected to our tastebuds). And I slept with a sound mind and clear diet conscience.

It can be done!

There are good days!

Saying no to the foods I used to eat only means that the foods I eat now make me scream, "YES!"

PS: If you guys check out the Progress page, you'll notice that I've lost 2 pounds! I'm no longer 250 pounds!

I Only Swallow the Good Stuff

2011-01-05T18:50:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been over a week since my last update. But I've been out of town. On vacation, sort of. Visiting family in Denver where the location of one of my favourite restaurants is just around the corner!

Two days into my trip, I was left alone to watch over my aunts home while she went to Vegas to have a little sinful fun of her own. I was left to myself, alone, and given the "eat anything you want" permission. Thankfully my aunt does not keep her fridge stocked with many sweets, cheesy goodies or packages of bacon. The cupboards were stocked with Nutrisystem, and I wouldn't eat that to safe my life.

But the fridge contained things that were both pleasurable and sinful. A cinnamon roll twice the size of my fist. A gallon of my aunts homemade salsa. Pasta salad. Frozen TV dinners and a bottle of aerosol whip cream. My brain very nearly exploded.

But I accepted that weeks challenge. Would I spit, or swallow?

These were my findings:

I don't chew my food properly.

As I made the decision to spit every other bite, I realised very quickly that I wasn't able to chew and spit because the way I chew my food is that I chew and swallow at the same time. Get the food in the stomach faster! Who cares how big the bite is!? I didn't even realise it.

Fatty foods have a nasty consistency when properly chewed.

As I focused on chewing each bite into a spittable consistency, I noticed that the things that were healthy and fresh (like the salsa) were harder to spit out. While the things that were not so good for me (potato chips for instance) turned into a grainy substance that I very quickly wanted out of my mouth.

As an experiment, I tried the cinnamon roll. I only made it five bites in (total) and I grimaced through the three bites that I swallowed. I even had to rinse my mouth out with water afterward.

Eating properly was pleasurable, while eating addictively became a chore.

Also, the more I chewed, the longer it took to eat. My jaw grew tired, and I noticed that I didn't want to eat anymore. Food stopped being pleasurable. At least, in the addictive way. When I had my next meal, it was pleasurable, but more controlled.

Certainly I had my bad moments. Bad days where I splurged. But I noticed they weren't nearly as bad as I usually go. For instance, at my favourite restaurant I ate what I normally would (which is a lot) but I didn't go home and eat more. That one meal lasted until dinner. I also avoided getting candy, soda and popcorn while at the movie theatre. If I drank soda (which was very rarely) I drank diet. And I drank A LOT of water and diet cranberry juice (which is my new favourite addiction!).

Also, just for fun, I got on my aunts treadmill and power walked a whole mile in thirty minutes. What's even better is that I didn't ache the next day.

So if you ask me now my preference, I say that I swallow . . . but I'm picky about what I put in my mouth. *wink*

Week 5 Challenge: Don't be a Food Whore

2011-01-05T11:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia-
Now that you are home and back in your element, it's time for the real work to begin.

And by real work, I mean it's time to step up your game.

Over the past 4 weeks, you have been learning about yourself and your habits. And now it's time to put all that information to good use. We are going to start saying NO.

Because no really can mean NO if you let it. No isn't a sign of weakness, but strength. I know you WANT to lose weight. But it's going to require some fancy dancing and mental attitudes of high school. And here's the task.

Your goal is to keep food from your belly. Not all foods, but your trigger foods. The ones you know provide no nutrition, and are full of empty calories. The ones you feel guilty while eating. Those foods are like the high school football team with one thing on their mind. And it's your job to stop them.

So, when you get a hankering to go all the way (with your food of course) you are going to say NO. Because nobody likes a whore. And you don't want to be the food whore.

Be picky about what goes into you. You want the best of the best. Items with less ingredients are the best choices, as we learned earlier. And I want you to say NO AT LEAST 3 TIMES A DAY. You need to flex your no-no muscles.

So that's it. Don't be a food whore. Say no at least 3 times a day. Let classy foods be in you.

I think you can handle it. And if you need help, I'm here for you all the way.

Love-

(recovering food whore)

Dirty Diet Challenge Week 4: Nice girls spit, not swallow

2010-12-28T21:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia-
This week we are going to approach food in an entirely new way. It's going to be disgusting, at first. But I have a feeling this is going to be one of our greatest allies in the weight loss front.

Spit or Swallow?

Yep, we know we love the taste of food. But does enjoying the taste of food automatically require us to swallow it?

I want to be clear. I am IN NO WAY endorsing any type of bulemic behavior. If you have swallowed it, you have swallowed it. End of story. You don't get a mullagen once it's in the gullet.

But when it's in your mouth, the choice is up to chew.

We spit out gum. We spit out stuff that's yucky. We spit out stuff that's perhaps "too salty." So what is to stop us from spitting out food that is high in calories?

My point is this. You talked about the fact that food isn't about the hunger. It's about the taste. So let's put that to the test. This week is perfect, as you are going to be alone and can perfect this theory. Remember, I am designing this entire diet around YOU- your tastes, your habits, your emotional strongholds. So we are going to make you think about if you are actually hungry, or if you are in it for the taste.

Here's the plan. Every meal, you are going to eat exactly half what you normally eat. Cut your portions accordingly. Directly in HALF. One bite, you are going to swallow. The next bite, chew it, and when you get the urge to swallow, you will spit it out. (Give yourself a cup to do it in. Makes this a lot easier. Yes, I have tested this method for you. YOU'RE WELCOME WHOREFACE.) Swallow, then spit. Swallow, then spit.

Don't worry, we aren't going to do this regularly. I just want you to really focus on WHY you eat. We are also going to trick your body by thinking you are eating more. Your body isn't hungry. It's looking for the endorphines you get from the flavor. (At least that's my theory that we will be testing out.) You will still get the endorphines your body wants without getting all the calories.

So SPIT and SWALLOW.

Get to it. You are doing great!

Eating With Open Eyes

2010-12-26T04:13:00.000-08:00

I understand why Charlie insisted upon the first three steps now before any changes could even be made. I didn't see food before. Not like I do now. And I'm still eating similar, but I can see it all clearly. Or at least much less foggy.

I never understood why people on diets had such a hard time around the holidays. "Just eat less!" I would say. "Eat the healthy stuff!" I would say. "You don't have to eat cookies and cake just cause it's Christmas!" I would say. I never thought I ate poorly on Christmas. But last week the busy schedule and constant running around left me with little time to be picky about my food. I didn't have time to drink my water before eating, I had presents to wrap! I soon lost the time needed to keep up with flogging, and I noticed later that the crazier Christmas became, the less healthy I was eating. All without really paying attention until the food was long since digested.

I also considered myself a very lucky woman. Because when hormones kicked into overdrive, I never got cravings. I never overdosed on ice cream or chocolate or went into sodium rich comas. I was lucky. Food wasn't my problem. I was very blind.

Writing down what I eat, asking myself questions about the food I'm eating, and reading labels hasn't done much yet to drastically change what I'm eating or how much I'm eating. Sure I've been able to give up most of soda (I even said no to one offered on Christmas), and I now add as many veggies as I can to regular meals. I'm also drinking a lot more water. However, I'm still eating what I normally eat.

But one thing did change.

I saw where control can be lost.

Last week after a typically good day of eating, I sat back to enjoy a television show with my husband and then out of no where, despite being full from dinner, my body went into a craving overload. I HAD to eat. I didn't know what I needed to eat, but I just needed to eat, and quickly. Digging through the refrigerator I went through the healthy stuff first, eager to quench my desires the right way. I drank water. I ate a carrot (my go to snack), and then even dug into the pickle jar. When that didn't work, I gave in and had a cookie, a rice krispy treat left over from the Christmas party we held the day before. Still, I was left unsatisfied. A bowl of cereal, a peanut butter cup followed with an entire box of orange tic tacs.

What was wrong with me?! This had never happened before!

Or had it?

Had I over indulged my hormonal cravings before and just never knew it? How long had this been going on? Did I not notice before because I didn't care? I wanted a cookie, I'd just eat a cookie. What was the big deal? Right? But now, I don't want it. I want healthy food. I want to write it down and ask why I'm eating it to begin with. Before, cravings were mistaken for hunger. Now I know.

Granted I don't know how to overcome them yet, but I assume that will be a lesson learned in time. The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

Size Matters

2010-12-21T09:56:00.000-08:00

I'm one day into measuring foods, looking at labels and learning about servings sizes and already I've learned a very valuable lesson: I get pissed off very easily.

My husband always jokes about my temper. On occasion I'll be sitting on the couch and he'll throw a sock at me. Unlike most people who might go through steps at having a sock thrown at them, I skip a few. I slide right through confusion ("Was that a sock?"), quickly run through curiosity ("Why would you throw a sock?"), and I even leap over anger ("You suck.") and I go straight into redhead fury ("What the !@#$!"). And then we proceed into a battle where socks are launched across the room at blinding speeds toward one another until he surrenders or I realise that I'm touching dirty socks and I don't know who they belong to anymore.

Something similar happened yesterday as I went into the kitchen to make myself food. I looked at the labels of everything I wanted to eat. "Ramen has two servings in one package?! It normally takes two packages just to fill me up!" "Wait... how are five meatballs one serving?" "Are you kidding me?! One and a fourth of a cup of cereal is supposed to equal breakfast?!" Straight into the fury.

But I'm not angry at the servings. It's not their fault. It's the fact that I've been going to restaurants my whole life where I've been taught what servings mean, in restaurant language. We all have heard that in America the serving sizes in restaurants are at least double, sometimes all the way up to five times the serving size around the globe. We like things big. We like more of a good thing, and sometimes, too much of it. We pride ourselves on getting our moneys worth. Being poor growing up did not help my cause. When we were able to afford eating out, we often went to buffets and my siblings and I would hear, "Alright, get your moneys worth." Which to us meant that if we didn't eat until we were bursting at the seams, we were being wasteful.

Likewise, when I learned how to cook for myself and my husband, I would make recipes using all of the can, box, bag, etc that whatever ingredient came with. When making spaghetti it only seemed natural to use all of the pasta in the bag. After all, that's how I saw everyone else doing it. So when it came time to eat dinner, portions were skewed. Sure sometimes we would have leftovers, but if the food was good we would often say, "Is there enough for seconds?" never wondering how many servings we've already eaten in one sitting already. Even if I was full, sometimes looking at the massive amount of leftovers, my brain would think, "If you don't eat it now, it will go bad and that's wasteful."

So as per Charlie's instructions, I observed yesterday, but did not change. At least for one day. And I realised that as far as labels go, I'm eating twice as much as I should be. Twice the cereal, twice the soup, hell, even twice the Subway sandwiches!

This is why dieters fail so often. Because diets tell you how much everyone should be eating. Not just to lose weight, but to survive (and thrive), and because we're all so indoctrinated in our youth to not be wasteful, to eat what's on our plates and what we're given, our bodies get used to overeating without even realizing that we're overeating to begin with!

I'm officially moving to France.

Week 3 Challenge - Whip it Out and Measure

2010-12-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia-

Oh, yeah. I just said that. We are putting things out on the table and measuring it.

(Remember that this whole concept of what is becoming known as a DIRTY DIET is a weight loss program designed around Jia. And if there's one thing Jia and I both share as a common denominator, it's the fact we have minds that fall in the gutter a lot. Don't judge.)

So you have been consistantly flogging. You've mastered the idea of wet questions. This week, we are whipping it out and measuring it. BEFORE YOU FREAK ON ME- we are NOT measuring ourselves. We are measuring our food. Because the first real step in losing weight is measuring your food. Learning what real portion sizes are.

This one is tough, and the sexiest and/or dirtyiest I can make this is giving it a clever title. Other than that, this is going to take practice. Just like sex. We have to learn what our bodies respond too and like. What makes them feel good, what makes them feel not so good, etc.

You said before that food is the affectionate lover you don't want to live without. I get that. But your lover and you haven't been good to each other. You have both been sexing up without regard to the other's desires. And by whipping out and measuring what you eat, we are going to make sure you get the best of both worlds. We are going to learn how to get the biggest bang for your buck. Just like the first prostitute when she discovered she was 'sitting' on a gold mine.

Food is gonna be your whore.

Think of it this way. When a whore shows her menu... or phamplet.... or tattoo.... there are exact values assigned with each course. If she does X and XXX, the customer has to pay for both of those things.

YOU ARE NOW THE CUSTOMER. But you want to make sure you don't get ripped off either. So you are going to measure out exactly what you are getting. It's kinda like the IRS coming to a house of ill repute. It's all about the numbers.

I want you to read the labels on EVERYTHING. Get a feel for what you are actually eating compared to what you think you are eating. If labels aren't available, you can search the internet for information. I know you are resourceful like that. As you write your flog, you are going to add serving sizes- according to the label. And don't worry- we all know that eating 6 crackers is just plain impossible. But if we eat 12 crackers, then make a note of that. You simply had 2 servings.

There are also great resources for eyeballing some of the serving sizes. It gets tricky when it comes to things like meat. So I'm putting a link here for you to read about some helpful hints regarding sizes.

Don't think you need a fancy food scale to do this either. You can do it with measuring cups. And your best judgement- as a penny pinching customer.

Food is your whore. Flog it, wet question it, and now- go make sure you get your money's worth.

Fat as an Identity

2010-12-17T09:13:00.000-08:00

Something Charlie wrote yesterday struck a chord:

One day, she realized that it wasn't the idea being healthy that scared her so much. She genuinely wanted that for herself. What scared her so much was that SHE HAD NEVER BEEN THIN. Her entire identity had been wrapped up in being the fat friend, the fat bride, the hopeless case. And she understood that identity.

Hi, I'm Jia, and I've been fat since High School.

Or at least, I thought I was.

I developed early. Twelve to be precise. I went away for the summer to visit my family in Utah, and when I returned for the school year I came back with a rounder backside, wider hips, and you guessed it . . . the all now famous rack of Jia.

The changes were physically good, and in another year or two the boys would immediately prefer my soft, round shape to that of the tiny, under developed girls who had more ribs showing than cleavage. But there was a problem.

I was now different. And it was very obvious.

And different meant bad. Wrong.

Wrong was immediately perceived as: Fat.

By the time I entered High School, I was clearly under the assumption that I was the bigger girl. It didn't help that my friends were all taller than me, thus creating that adjustment in their own proportions. By comparison I felt huge.

But I didn't just feel it, it was like I knew it.

I tried my best to keep the self esteem I once had. I would wear revealing clothing. The boys paid attention, but I assumed it was because they pitied me, or couldn't find anyone else. I felt like I was last picked for the girlfriend team when in reality, it was quite the opposite. I was eagerly sought after, but I never knew it.

Looking back now, I'm just shocked I ever thought those things. How could I have ever thought I was fat? I was healthy! I was slender and yet had curves in all the right places. I had clear skin, bright eyes and most importantly . . . I had energy.

But I had labeled myself the fat girl.

Imagine.

Believe.

Create.

If you believe something hard enough . . . you'll make it happen.

I became the fat girl. But the image in the mirror never changed for me. My outsides just started looking like my insides felt. My eyes never changed focus. But my habits sure as hell did.

Fat has been my identity for nearly fifteen years, and at least six of those, I was a perfectly shaped girl. I want to be healthy. I want to be thinner.

But I don't know what thin feels like.

Finding the Missing Pieces of Charlie. And Jia.

2010-12-16T14:40:00.000-08:00

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, there lived a hefty girl named Charlie. She ate whatever foods she wanted, sat on her couch for days at a time, and life, while boring and mundane, was consistent. Safe. Controlled.

One day, after seeing her doctor write MORBIDLY OBESE on her medical chart (and he spelled it out as he wrote it for dramatic effect. No lie.) she decided that she had had enough. She was going to change her life, her galaxy, and her ways. She decided to move her pieces.

This moving of pieces didn't come without a considerable amount of kicking and screaming, mind you.

While she wanted change, she didn't want to DO the things it would take to change her life. She would eat a healthy meal, then drink a 2 liter of Coke Classic. She would have only broccoli for dinner, then follow it up with an entire package of oreo double stuffed. She danced the tango with a new life style, but she NEVER really let anyone else lead her. Nope. Hefty Charlie was determined to make only the changes she wanted, and the rest were just too inconvenient.

As you might imagine, this back and forth between dieting and binging took a considerable toll on her psyche. Moving towards a healthy lifestyle always seemed to be a temporary decision, and was usually outweighed (literally) by her hunger, her appetite and her cravings. She felt discouraged and sick. And she was still hefty.

One day, she realized that it wasn't the idea being healthy that scared her so much. She genuinely wanted that for herself. What scared her so much was that SHE HAD NEVER BEEN THIN. Her entire identity had been wrapped up in being the fat friend, the fat bride, the hopeless case. And she understood that identity. She understood those pieces and how they fit together. She thrived in being Fat Charlie. So you can understand why the idea of becoming "not-so-fat Charlie" or even "Thin Charlie" scared the crap out of her. If she lost weight, and the pieces of Charlie got smaller, maybe they wouldn't fit together anymore!

Thankfully, the journey between Fat and Not-so-fat was not a fast one. By making one step at a time, she was able to ease into a new way of life. One that wasn't centered on the couch or in the kitchen. It took a few months of hard decisions and choices, but pretty soon, making the healthy choices was more fun than making the ones she was used to! And her pieces changed indeed.

In Charlie's new galaxy, she learned a lot about herself. One of the most important things she learned was that SHE COULD STILL BE FUNNY as a thinny. SHE COULD STILL BE HERSELF as a thinny. SHE COULD STILL LOVE FOOD as a thinny. Everything that Charlie was when she was fat, she was still able to be.

Except that she was thinnish. Not-so-fat.

The most interesting part of being in this alternate universe of thinnish was that the parts of her that were broken before- her fears, insecurities, neurosis- all of those things began to fall into place, and she found she was able to conquer her issues one at a time. It didn't happen over night, but as she gained confidence while losing weight, she wanted to keep growing. Keep getting better. And she is doing that to this day.

So we get scared about losing weight. Justified or not, we are afraid. We fear that we won't know who we are. That we will lose some of the parts of us that we actually like.

What I am here to tell you is this: THOSE PARTS OF US WE LIKE ONLY GET BETTER.

We don't lose our identity as we lose pounds. We gain it. We get stronger. More determined. Bolder. Braver. We become more ourselves than ever before.

I never thought the puzzle that is Charlie would make sense because I lost a little weight. But it did. Parts of me that were missing got found. Parts that didn't seem to fit before now have a home.

And I can tell you today that Charlie is more complete and whole than she has ever been in her entire life.

So, Jia- are you really ready to start working on your pieces? Together, we can help it all make sense. But you have to trust me to move your pieces around a little bit. It's not always going to be fun, I know. Yet it will pay off in the long run.

I want your pieces, woman.

So give 'em here.

My Relationship With Food

2010-12-15T10:07:00.000-08:00

I assumed people who had relationships with food ate out of boredom, depression or to fill an empty void. I wasn't one of those people. In fact when depressed I often avoided food.

But after some self exploring I've come to understand that my relationship with food is much stronger.

Food is not an abusive spouse, who I'm too scared to leave.
Food is the affectionate lover, who I don't want to live without.

I hear on TV shows and in other blogs how food is what some people use when things are at their worst. The death of a loved one is covered up by buffets. A breakup is saturated in ice cream. Love is substituted with sugar, fast food and soda. That's not the case with me. Food has always been my celebration. It's met with love, affection and fond memories.

If I close my eyes, I can still smell the scent of my favourite Mexican restaurant, La Frontera in Salt Lake City, Utah, my hometown. Though I haven't been back to visit in a number of years, I can picture the drive there exactly. I know the very spot that you can begin smelling the food as you walk to the door. That restaurant is where we went anytime family came to visit. A Japanese Grill is where I spent my tenth birthday with my older sister. While other kids were going to McDonalds or Chuckie Cheese, I was watching the brilliant movements of fine knife skills.

I still can't make a tuna casserole to beat my Grandmothers. Or my aunt Debbie's stuffed peppers. Or my older sisters spaghetti sauce. Even my younger sister and I spent our early years coming up with concoctions to be poured over rice, lavishly exploring the spice rack and the many uses of vegetables.

When I was ten years old, I was allowed behind the scenes in a bakery where my aunt managed. When I was twelve I started busing tables. By the time I was fifteen, I was helping her run the place in the summer, working fourteen hour days. I had more scars on my hands and arms from cuts and burns than I ever had from riding a bike as a kid. They were my battle scars, and I wore them proudly. I tell the stories of how I got them to this day. "You see this one, I cut that knuckle off with a serrated bread knife, then two weeks later when it healed, I cut it off again with a chefs knife." "Oh this one, slicing watermelon. No I didn't get stitches. Stitches are for quitters! There was work to be done!"

Bagel shops, Chinese restaurants, Taco Bell, Einstein, Dairy Queen, KFC, Star Bucks, small cafe's, major catering departments, and even the cafeteria of a hospital. I was managing a McDonalds when I was seventeen years old. I broke a record for raising money for the Ronald McDonald Foundation. I won spirit days at the cafeteria, and when I finally left, they had to close down the omelet bar, because no one knew how to make them as good as I did, and people stopped buying altogether.

Even when I stopped working with food, my marriage became all about food. My first Thanksgiving dinner proved that when my husband claimed he had never eaten a turkey so delicious. I played with food to please him. To constantly one up myself at every turn. I became a cook. And a damn good one. I am a warrior with an apron on, and the kitchen is my battle ground. My husband thinks I'm sexy when I eat steak. He loved me all the more when I learned to appreciate sushi.

When there is a holiday that involves food, it's spent at our house. People come to us. My husbands friends all know that if they show up unexpectedly, they will be welcomed with open arms and a sandwich. We spend the week of our anniversary every year at a local Fiery Foods Festival where we taste salsas, chipotle infused chocolates, and green chile cocoa. Our greatest experience of all time was when we went on a cruise and spent the entire time eating. Local fine dining restaurants know us by name, and one even puts VIP on our tickets, just to be sure. When we enter a local steak house, the owner tells his staff to make sure we are properly taken care of.

I've been branded by food. It defines so much of who I am. Celebrations, traditions, accomplishments, love, family, status, success. All because of food.

How much of me will be missing if that changes?

Flogged Hard and Put Away Wet

2010-12-14T14:51:00.000-08:00

Flash Dance anyone?

So I'm flogging.
And I'm getting my questions wet.

Which is kind of a big deal because . . . shh . . . I hate water. Like I mean I don't hate it, hate it, but I totally freaking hate it. Granted the bottled stuff we occasionally buy is okay, especially when I'm really dehydrated, but our tap water tastes like it came from a penny cleaning factory.

When we're out to eat, my husband always orders a soda. I used to, but then I started ordering water. Because I can just drink his soda anyway. Free refills, people. But I do drink water at restaurants. I look up nicely to the waitress and say, "I'll have a water with lime." And then she nervously looks around wondering if I actually said lemon because she doesn't want to agree and then bring me the wrong thing, but then she also doesn't even know if they have lime. Then my husband says something like, "You're such a water snob. They probably don't even have lime." But you know what? EVERYONE HAS LIME! Except when they don't, in which case lemon's fine.

I tried to take this application and bring it home by purchasing those cute little plastic lemon and lime bottles filled with juice. I add it to my water. It tastes better when you add sugar. But I'm told that defeats the whole purpose.

I digress.

I drank water. Before my meals. And remember how I didn't know if I was hungry or not before? Well, I can feel hunger again. I also feel the need to pee a lot.

I also made changes. I added more veggies to my meals. I added more water to cooking soup so it would fill me up faster and I could skip having seconds. When I did have seconds, it was of salad. And instead of dessert, I opted for an apple and peanut butter instead of baking brownies.

Something else is happening though. I assumed that perhaps I ate out of boredom, or stress or just over emotional eating. That was my problem. Or maybe I wasn't eating enough throughout the day. Space the meals out a little more, reboot my metabolism and all. But yesterday something struck me. I don't eat when I'm bored. That's what Angry Birds is for. I don't eat when I'm stressed. I blog for that. I don't eat when I'm overly emotional. I yell a lot when that happens.

I eat though.

Because I really, really, love food. I love the way it tastes. I love textures and mass combinations of savory and sweet. I watch Ratatouille and think, "This rat is so smart." And when I'm done eating, I don't want to eat again because I'm still hungry or because I have some other excuse (that I know of so far) . . . I want eat because I love to taste things.

And that worries me. Because food is not fuel to me. It's a hobby. Because I cook, it's also a talent. At a local restaurant once, I was able to guess 7 out of 9 secret ingredients in a house bbq sauce. I guessed three things that normally wouldn't have ever been put in a bbq sauce, but I knew them. My palette is strong. And I worry that perhaps healthy food won't be enough to completely satisfy it. I love healthy food too. I can eat grilled veggies, salads and lean meats like no one's business. But right now, unhealthy food can't even completely satisfy me.

Hungry or not, I always want to taste more.

Ugh.

I have to pee again.

Week 2 Challenge - Getting Our Feet Wet

2010-12-13T12:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia-
So I know we are a bit ahead of schedule. I thought I'd update all this stuff on Thursdays. But realistically, Mondays are the best time for me to do it. Especially because I am always on fire and optimistic on Mondays. That's how I roll, I suppose. But it's all good.

BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING FANTASTIC ON YOUR FLOGGING CHALLENGE!!!

There is no doubt in my mind that you can continue the flog and add in this week's challenge to it.

I am noticing some patterns in your flog (although I didn't ask you to send it to me, you do. And your comments regarding said flog are a great source of amusement to me. I feel like I'm in the middle of an Abbot and Costello routine. Who's on first?) I'm not going to tell you what I see, because part of dieting (or lifestyle change, as some folks call it) is the journey of "Self Discovery." And I'm not talking about the mirror scene in Fried Green Tomatoes, either. I can tell you what I see, but it will help you grow if you discover things for yourself. I KNOW the capitols of states, but the capitols I have visited I will never forget. Get it?

So we are going to add the next challenge to Flogging. (And FYI- the comments all you girls were making about the hooker tattoos had me gasping for breath from laughing...)

And just because I know that it will be beneficial to your psyche, Jia, I'm giving them a name of questionable origin.

WET QUESTIONS

Before you eat, you are going to do 2 things. You are going to drink a glass of water (containing at LEAST 8 ounces) and then ask 5 questions. I'm not asking you to change what you eat (yet) but I'm asking you to change HOW you eat. I want you to drink your water, wait 10 minutes, and then ask yourself these 5 questions.

1. Did you really drink your water? (just kidding. But it's probably a good question, nevertheless.)

1. Am I HONESTLY HUNGRY?
I know you touched on this in your last post. You don't necessarily know when you are really hungry. And I think it's great you can admit that. Lots of times (even still) I substitute boredom for hunger. Eating has always been my "go-to" hobby. I would be bored and cook, just because it was something to do. And then I'd eat what ever I just made because if I didn't- that would be wasteful. This week, we are going to break through the cycle of boredom hunger. Food is not an activity we indulge in. Food is not our friend. It's fuel. Nothing more, nothing less. It should be as clinical as going to the gas station and filling up. (for the purposes of this week's challenge, anyway.) We need to take the excitement away from eating. And that's why I want you to drink a glass of water BEFORE YOU EAT. We are breaking strongholds food has over us. Washing away it's power. By simply drinking what our body needs anyway. WATER.

2. Is what I'm about to eat GOOD for my body?
You are eating lots of wonderful foods. Carrots, tomatoes, etc., and I'm happy about that! But there are lots of things you are eating that are not-so-good for you too. (And I'm not judging, cause I struggle with this too.) We both have a bad habit of all things processed. Breads, pastas, lunch meats with fillers. These things, while admittedly taste wonderful, make our body work twice as hard to digest them. Our bodies work hard enough as it is. You have had lots of nutritional training, so you are even more aware of this than me. But for the sake of this post, I'll say it out loud. The less items on the ingredient list, the better it is for you. Like apples. One ingredient. Apple. Applesauce? Looking at my container, there are up to 30 ingredients on there. Which is better for your body? The Apple. Sure there are things that are beneficial about applesauce, but unless you are missing your teeth and need to gum it, stick with the apple.

3. If it's not good for my body, is there a way to make it healthier, or is a better choice available?
Again, this is a struggle for me too. I like to load up my sammies with mayo, cheese, bacon, and stuff like that. When realistically, my body isn't dealing with a calcium or nitrate deficiency. I don't NEED those things. I just LIKE those things. What would happen if we cut back on a few "added" items to our plate? How many calories could we save ourselves? 100? 200? 500? Probably. Or what if we went with a different choice all together? What IF, instead of eating a bag of movie theater butter popcorn for snack, we eat some nuts? (that's what she said) Or we have a piece of fruit? I'm not saying you always need to make the best choices every single time you eat. But we need to become aware that if we eat 5 times a day, we have 5 opportunities to make healthy changes.

4. How would admitting I ate this food publicly make me feel?
I HATE admitting that I cheated by having a Domino's Breadbowl Pasta. Or an entire bag of oreos. Or slipped up bad. Call it a perk of public flogging, but we are in an amazing position. People ARE watching us. They are waiting to see if we mess up or succeed. The funny thing is that when I fail, I see lots of other girls admit to it. But when I succeed, I am leading a group of triumphant women, who are working really hard. I'm not saying that my actions sway the collective minds of the dieting universe. BUT... we are leaders. Us. As bloggers, we open our lives up for public scrutiny. So imagine that you have cameras in your house. People are watching you. They are waiting to see the choices you make. Are you leading them to greatness? Are you being an example of good choices? I hope you will.

5. Am I willing to cut down on the portion size I would normally eat?
Chances are- us being red blooded Americans- our plates are too big, and our portions are way more than what our bodies need. We live in a world of excess. We have hundreds of channels, tons of information, and fast food joints on every corner of our neighborhoods. We live in indulgence. And our bodies are paying the price for a decadent rich life-style. Look at your food. Is it a lot? How much is too much? We don't want our bodies to be filled to the brim and bursting. We want to be satisfied. Not too full, and not hungry. And if we cut our portions down by 1/3 even, we would save ourselves lots and lots of calories. We don't NEED it (cause we both have fat stores in various places on our bodies) so why do we consume it? Can you cut it down? Are you willing to cut it down?

So, to recap-

Wet Questions.

Drink water before you eat. Then ask:

1. Am I HONESTLY HUNGRY?
2. Is what I'm about to eat GOOD for my body?
3. If it's not, is there a way to make it healthier, or is a better choice available?
4. How would admitting I ate this food publicly make me feel?
5. Am I willing to cut down on the portion size I would normally eat?

That's all you have to do for this week. No real changes to your diet. Just asking tough questions about what you eat. (And for the record, answers like "I don't care" and "Eff this, I'm eating" are NOT acceptable answers. Be honest. It's OK to say "I could cut down, but I'm sure that I'm hungry enough to eat this." I'm not looking for radical changes to your diet this week. I am looking for some hardcore honesty.

I know you are going to do great with this! Keep up with your Flogging, and add Wet Questions. That's all we do this week. You are on your way to a healthier lifestyle, whether you know it or not!

Much love-

Flogging: Not Just for Prostitutes

2010-12-10T12:44:00.000-08:00

So I flogged.

Not sure why I flogged to be honest. But I flogged. Despite the fact that it sounds like something a whore offers on her menu. Do whores have menus? Maybe pamphlets. Most likely websites. But there are whores who're on the go. I'm gonna stick with menu. Mostly because it sounds like food and food relates to this blog.

Where was I? Oh yes, services that prostitutes provide . . . no wait . . . flogging. Food. Diet.

There we are.

So I flogged.

Not sure why I flogged to be honest. But I flogged.

Noticed a few things I guess. I thought I would notice when I was eating out of boredom, or if I was eating while sad, etc. But I didn't. I did notice that I don't know what normal hunger feels like. And I didn't realise this before. I've forgotten hunger. Don't get me wrong, I know what starving feels like. There are days (because of my crappy sleep schedule) that I will forget to eat until it's close to dinner. My stomach churns and screams and sends this heart burn like wave up my sternum and then bitch slaps me in the throat. But I know that hunger used to come to me before that.

Long ago if I skipped breakfast an hour later I'd be hungry. Typical hungry. I've forgotten though.

I've forgotten so much that when I ate yesterday, I wasn't sure if I was full when I was eating. So I kept eating. I didn't eat til my gut busted, but I'm not even sure if I was full before I stopped eating. I'm not sure if I passed that milestone and kept eating anyways. Jeez, what have I done to myself all these years?

I'm going to keep flogging today. And tomorrow. And I suppose I'll just keep doing it until Charlie says so. Why? Because she's lost 60+ pounds and have that and more to lose. So trust Charlie. That's going to have to be my motto.

Even if she makes me do things that sound like they belong on a whore's menu.

I changed my mind. I'm going with pamphlet.

Week 1 Challenge - And So We Begin

2010-12-09T07:43:00.000-08:00

My dearest Jia -

Of all the things I could do for anyone, I look at this journey we are about to take as the greatest gift I could be given. Besides salvation, of course... To mentor you through the journey of the woman you are- to the woman I know is inside you, kicking and screaming to get out- it humbles me.

Because it wasn't so long ago I was in your shoes. I had dieted and failed so many times, I knew it would never really happen for me. I was scared, frustrated, and so sick of the idea of being fat I wanted to go postal. Somehow, through all that... it DID happen. I started losing weight.

Now, we are going to make it happen to you. And as we embark on this journey together, know that I will always remember those feelings, and I know those feelings you have are extremely valid. We will never ignore those feelings deep inside you. They are actually the key to your success. It sounds crazy now, but I can vouch that it's the truth.

This week- on week one, we aren't going to focus on exercise. We aren't going to focus on your food. In fact, we are doing nothing at all. Except for one simple thing.

YOU, my dear whoreface, are going to FLOG.

You are going to write down everything you eat and drink, except for water. Keeping a food log is important in the beginning of this change, and as silly as it may seem, this is the first step. Lots of women spend hours counting calories and fat and carbs, throwing out hundreds of dollars of food, and within 3 days? They have blown their diets and are re-purchasing the food they pitched. Since you are letting me be in charge of this operation (and you know how I love me some operations!) we are going to do things the right way. Start slow. Make manageable changes. Grow into a new lifestyle that doesn't freak us out or send us screaming up the walls banshee style. Nope, we are going slow and easy. Because we want this to stick.

So, you write down everything you eat this week. Every morsel and crumb. Every thing you drink that isn't water. You don't have to write portions. My goal is that as you Flog through the week, you will begin to see patterns of how you eat, what you eat, and why you eat it. By the end of the week, I bet you will be reading that Flog and wondering what the next step is going to be. It seems easy!

Because isn't dieting supposed to be hard??? We always make it so difficult that we have no choice but to fail. That hasn't gotten us anywhere at all. So we are taking a new and improved approach. No programs, no subscriptions. Just a change we make every week that will help us (cause I'll be doing it too) live the life we SHOULD have.

Flog away, my whoreface. You can do this. I know you can. No one believes in you more than me.

Love-
Whoreface Charlie